deerlyBeloved Profile

[newtralize]

deerlyBeloved: FantasticBeast Is that a beast in your pocket or are you just happy to see me? ;) Meek in the streets, but possibly a beast in the sheets. It's the quiet ones that are the most likely to be the wildest in bed. This fine specimen doesn't know, since he's a virgin, but that doesn't mean he isn't willing to have a grand ol' time either. What this man needs is someone who can tame the wilds of his heart and bring out his primal needs and the wild beast within. He may seem a bit shy, but he'll surely bloom under the right circumstances if you get what I mean. Like a true Hufflepuff, he's loyal at heart and a hard worker. He'll surely show that hard work where you want him to. PS: He turns 30 on the 24th. Give him a night to remember.

( Newt Scamander | 30 | M | Wild like his creatures )

Comments

text; un: top price

[tagartist]

lol called it

Please be gentle with his murder, Chloe

[newtralize]

Called what??? What are you calling?

I

What is this?

no prisoners

[tagartist]

welcome to the future, newt!! this is a dating app. it's where people can swipe left or right depending on if they wanna bang you or naw and you're more likely to end up creeped on than getting an actual, functioning relationship

and i called you being a virgin
no one calls it "mating" who's actually had sex

text; un: NebuBAE♛

[princessences]

Happy Birthday!

Should I say that I am sorry about your virginity? This profile is presenting it as something to overcome.

UN: HighKing

[spectacularlyhighking]

I'm not sure about taming, but I can certainly help you with those "primal needs"

Hewwo Powice. I've just seen a murder.

[newtralize]

Why would people need a dating app? What happened to just meeting others in person??? What

That sounds absolutely dreadful!!!

[The future is awful??? THIS IS AWFUL???]

I

CHLOE?!

[Wow, he wants to die???]

Please tell me that you haven't been considering the status of by virginity for this long.

Please.

[newtralize]

It isn't for another week or two, but thank you. I do appreciate it.

I

Please don't apologize about my virginity. I really rather not think about the fact that it's now out for everyone to read. Dreadfully emabrrassing.

I think many people would consider that I would have had

Had experience by now. I suppose.

[newtralize]

Merlin.

I'm

This is the most embarrassing moment of my life. It really can't get any worse than this.

he deserves more than this. also cw for date drugging reference

[tagartist]

i did that once and i got drugged, 0/10 i'll stick to strangers who i know are upfront about wanting it to be casual

of course i have
what else am i going to do after your incredibly hilarious attempt to define fuck

[spectacularlyhighking]

Are you sure? Because I can think of several things I could have said that would have been worse.

His love life is just a terrible joke, tbh.

[newtralize]

You got drugged?!

[Wow, the future sounds bleak for the dating scene. Things seem so much easier from his point in time.

Then again, he meets his future wife after his niffler tries to steal from a muggle bank and half of New York gets destroyed while there. That, and being hung up over someone who he took the fall for during school for endangering others. He doesn't have much room to talk.]

Everything about the future just sounds rather terrible and unnecessary. Is this really what muggles look forward to in your day and age?

I. Why?

That's what it is though. F

[No. No, he's not gonna type it.]

It's such a vulgar word and you wouldn't want to write such a thing when explaining sexual intercourse on an academic level!

[newtralize]

I

Do I really want to challenge that? What could you possibly say that would be worse. Since I'm out to be completely mortified, I might as well ask.

[spectacularlyhighking]

Oh there are so many things to choose from, Newt. I could comment on the fact that you're a virgin... which I could have guessed. Or make a lewd comment about your "blooming." Or wonder about that "beast" in your pocket... I could go on but I'm just imagining how red your face is and don't want to give you an aneurysm.

it's true, he needs a break

[tagartist]

it's a long story

[ Or maybe it's a short one and just feels long because of the context. Toss up. ]

YUP. the future blows, don't bother with it

lmao omg
newt
buddy
fuck
F U C K
fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck
it's not that hard
and no one is trying to be academic when they're talking about fucking, just as an fyi

Wait till Chloe finds out he might not be single anymore.

[newtralize]

:(

[She might not like emojis and Newt isn't really one to use them, but a sad face really sums up the thought about the future being awful.]

I can't use such a terrible word in the company of others!!! Golly, so many people would be affronted at me using such a crass word.

[Chloe is probably affronted by the word golly, to be honest.]

Sex is a fine enough word. I don't think I have to resort to using that word.

now he has no excuse

[tagartist]

don't use those

[ She is EXCEPTIONALLY offended by the use of the word golly, so much so that it takes her a few minutes to word just how awful this is. ]

holy fucking shit
you can't be real
do you say gee wilickers too?
sassafras?
darn tootin

how are we friends

[newtralize]

Me being a virgin shouldn't be worth commenting about! Being a virgin is completely fine. I don't see why this is a topic worth talking about.

I have had other pressing things to do that doesn't include having sex.

[Newt is so awkward about even hugs, that the idea of sex and being naked around someone else is a mortifying and anxiety inducing thought. This is why he's single. It's easier than trying to find someone who would like him. :(]

Dear Merlin.

I take it back. It is worse. I don't think I could possibly look anyone in the eye after all this.

Although, the beast in my pocket is probably Pickett. He usually hides in my pocket, remember?

[Amazingly missing the point.]

He can barely hug people. It's a work in progress!!!

[newtralize]

Oh. I was told that people informally use them with their friends. Is that wrong?

[Wow, what does she have against the word golly!!!]

What? No. I haven't used any of those before. Why are you asking that?

I believe we became friends after my niffler stole an ornament with your name on it, actually. I feel like that question was rhetorical, but I'll answer it all the same.

[Clearly, Chloe can blame his niffler.]

hugs are different than sex, newt, she'll tell you all about that

[tagartist]

any friends but me

BECAUSE YOU JUST SAID FUCKING "GOLLY" WITHOUT A HINT OF SARCASM

you are correct, it was rhetorical, but that is how we became friends

that is like the exact opposite thing he wants her to tell him

[newtralize]

I do apologize.

[A MAN SO POLITE HE APOLOGIZES FOR POSTING AN EMOJI.]

Is it not a word regularly used anymore? My vocabulary is rather dated it seems...

I think you're very aware about my use of words though. I only did use applesauce back in the sinkhole.

[Which brings them full circle to how Chloe assumed he was a virgin.]

Would you prefer we're not friends??

he needs INFORMATION

[tagartist]

[ she was gonna keep making fun of him but uh back the truck up here ]

what?
no
i didn't say that

He knows what sex is. He just doesn't partake in it. At all!!!

[newtralize]

Oh.

It's nothing against you or anything actually. I suppose I was a bit curious. I've had plenty of people who get rather tired and exasperated by my antics.

I'm actually rather relieved to hear that. Even if I'm feeling completely mortified right now by this blasted thing, I'm quite happy that we're friends.

Even if your vocabulary would make a Ministry employee possibly faint.

[legendaring]

Quite the glamour shot.

[princessences]

I must admit, I'm not exactly sure what the social norms are in regards to intimacy on Earth. Is not having experience unusual?

the information is on why he should be partaking in it, clearly. peer pressure.

[tagartist]

[ Ah shit. This takes her a while to get back to because damn if that doesn't... hit really close to home. And given that she's been pushing people away as of later, and trying really hard to correct that behavior since talking to Angela and Shiro, it brings up many feelings.

How dare. ]

the more i make fun of you, the more it means i like you
just ask max
i give that girl HELL

i'm not a very good friend, and i might be more of a bitch when things get bad, but i don't leave people





also your ministry employees are weak