newtralize | Then we are dead.

[The Auror definitely finds himself caught off guard. It's a bit disorienting suddenly witnessing a truth that's been kept hidden from him and the rest of their family, and then returning back to Dumbledore's office, with the person responsible for all of his mixed feelings staring at him with an incredibly pale expression. For once, Theseus finds himself at a loss for words, his own complexion drained of color, his mouth silently opening, but he still can't bring himself to speak. There's an obvious guilt to him as well, because he did just barge into this office and watched his brother's private memories, but...

He doesn't regret it.

Even as Newt finally breaks the silence between them, Theseus can't find it in himself to take back the past few minutes.]

All of it.

[It speaks to the difficulty of this situation that admitting the truth is the easiest part. There's still so many questions and anger bubbling in him, anger at everyone-- especially himself.]

Newt.

[He begins with that, his voice laced with emotion, and it's apparent Theseus is doing his best to ground himself in some sort of composure before continuing, but after everything with Paris and now this, it's hard.] Why did you never tell me?

[Because that's the thing he can't understand. Theseus can get Newt taking the blame for a close friend, but...]

[Newt opens his mouth and immediately closes it as he tries to process this. All of it.

Part of him is upset at the other for diving into his memories, but he had also left it out, so it seemed slightly unfair to be mad at the other. He shouldn't have, but he had only stepped away for a moment.

The upset part of him really was a small part of him as he tries to decide how to handle this. He had never talked about it with anyone (Pickett doesn't count). It had been an old wound that never healed, but that he had hidden away for years.]

I mean, I was sixteen? Seventeen? What was I supposed to say at that point? [His eyes flick to study Theseus' face before flicking away.] There- So many people were looking at me and- [Newt had never been a social person and he had never been very vocal about any bullying he had experienced either.] I didn't think anyone would believe me anyways, I suppose.

Everyone...Everyone had looked at me with disgust and disappointment- [He wrings his hands together. He still remembers the looks their mother had given him.] And I didn't want- Leta had more to lose than I. [That wasn't true, but Newt had always put others before him.] I didn't want people to know that she had been involved.

[Theseus really doesn't have a good answer, but he's still frustrated, and he doesn't just want to let this go, despite this happening in the past. The Auror feels like he needs to say something, not simply let this go. It would just imply that he easily accepted it.

Of course, that means his temper is already showing.]

I don't know, but keeping it to yourself didn't help! [He knows how difficult it was for Newt to have friends, but... surely he could've told the truth to his family at the very least. The thought that a young Newt had to deal with all this by himself, hiding the truth for a friend, while others looked at him with disgust...

Not to mention, Theseus' own disappointment, just believing that his younger brother got expelled.]

I... I know you wanted to protect your friend. [Protect Leta, who's dead-- her body burnt to ash. He shakes his head, swallowing tightly, still emotional about everything.] But what happened to you wasn't right either!

I didn't think I could tell anyone, Theseus. [It comes out a little more terse than he liked, but the honesty was there.] I wasn't popular. I wasn't even liked. Leta wasn't either, but why do you think it was so easy for everyone to assume it was my doing? [Newt runs a hand through his hair absentmindedly if only because he didn't know what else to do with his hands at this moment.]

And-

It's not as though I couldn't tell when you guys were disappointed in me. You two were content with letting me enjoy what I want, but I saw it in your eyes. Mum's eyes. [It has not been a secret that Newt's single focus on magizoology had easily solidified what he wanted to do and for some reason it had been somewhat of a disappointment.] I'm-

I'm not you, Theseus. [Just Scamander's younger brother.] And- [Newt sighs a little.] It's hard for me. To just...Talking about it. There's a lot of things that I've kept to myself. [He struggles to even admit that. His expulsion. His love for Leta. His bitterness.]

I confided with my creatures. [Which is weak at best. It's not like his creatures understood the intricacies of his broken heart. They just knew when he was upset and wanted to comfort him. That was enough. He didn't have to ask of anything, but their companionship.] It was easier. To grin and bear it. I suppose I just understood fairly early. People are cruel.

[It stings a little, honestly, to know that Newt wasn't comfortable enough telling him or their mum about the truth. It's one thing for him to keep it a secret from the students at Hogwarts, but hiding it from his own family? A defensive part of Theseus is tempted to lash out and the hurt is obvious in his own eyes, but he manages to keep his voice somewhat steady.]

We still would've believed you, Newt. ... You'd never lie and place blame on another individual. I know that about you, even back then.

[Theseus doesn't get why Newt bringing up the fact that they're radically different is important right now. He doesn't quite understand how it's relevant to the matter at hand. ~~He's so obtuse~~]

Confiding in your creatures isn't enough, Newt. You aren't alone. [The words feel flat, however. Has he really failed Newt as a brother this much? Where Newt felt that he couldn't talk to him about much of anything? Only resorting to his beasts for emotional support?]

[Newt keeps his gaze downcast. He knows that this is hard for Theseus to swallow. It wasn't that he thought Theseus was a terrible brother. Sure, they had their squabbles and Theseus most definitely wanted to kill him sometimes, but they got along well enough. There are certain things that sticks to him, but he tries to let them roll of his shoulders. He tries not to let them affect him, but Newt had always been terrible at letting go. He hyper-focused on things to the point of obsession and letting them fester.]

It- It isn't about believing me or not. And honestly, we both know I'm not particularly great at lying in the first place. [A quirk of his mouth in a sad smile.

Theseus' latter comment almost hilariously ironic.] You know. I- [He frowns a little as he tries to figure out what he wants to say.] I never talked about it. The comparisons. The nasty words. I was always content with who I was, but I found I've always just been nothing but a disappointment to others. [And it still stings. That he had found solace and so much passion in magical beasts and knowing that his own family hadn't necessarily approved of his endeavors.] Logically, I knew, know, that I'm not alone... [He sounds frustrated. Because for all his knowing, Newt had always struggled with actually applying it. As though his mind legitimately couldn't make sense of things people seemed to easily do.

He sighs after a moment.] All I had at school was the creatures I took care of and Leta. [He had a few other friends and acquaintances, but those were hard for him to come by.] I knew it wasn't the case, but I felt isolated. Alone. And above all, Leta meant too much too me that I feared if I were to say what actually happened, then she would be punished. Leta wasn't particularly popular either and I would have done anything to not see her life be harder.

[Newt rarely talked about this time in Hogwarts, sometimes even opting to stay rather than return home. And with Theseus having such a good time during his years, he never quite imagined how much his younger brother was bullied. Sure, it's one thing to assume that Newt just preferred to be around his beasts with the majority of students either ignoring him or treating him with distant politeness, but the active nastiness from others? That's something he can't stand.

Of course, it's much too late to do anything about it now.]

...I won't lie and say I wasn't disappointed when you chose to become a magizoologist. But I am proud of you. [He offers a weak sort of smile, sincere, despite the maybe odd time to be saying this now.] How can I not be?

[Especially after Paris?]

But I'm sorry, for not being there for you. I... I'm just glad you and Leta had each other as friends.

[Saying her name almost brings fresh tears to Theseus' eyes, but he manages to hold back. He's still angry that Newt got expelled on false charges, but he also can't be angry at Leta either. He's been aware that she's never been popular with the wizarding community for various reasons, so he's not surprised to hear her trouble during Hogwarts as well.] You must've made her life far more bearable during that time.

Edited 2020-07-03 16:10 (UTC)

Some people look at me as though I am as strange as the beasts I care for. I suppose I just got used to it. [Which isn't a criticism against Theseus, but a resignation from Newt. That he had merely gotten used to being considered some eccentric weirdo. That his popularity had only gone up because of his success and not because people cared about him as a person.

Honestly, he finds that worse. The idea that people only care so shallowly.] It isn't something you really have to apologize for. I- [A helpless shrug.] It isn't really your fault nor mine. People expected me to be like you and were merely disappointed that I wasn't anything like you. At Hogwarts and at the Ministry. It wasn't as though I didn't enjoy Hogwarts or anything, but I didn't really want to talk about my bad times either. I was, more or less, content and it was easier to look forward than to mull over something that wasn't going to change.

I suppose that it shaped my way of thinking though. To some extent. [He can't say he was completely conscious of it doing that either. To some extent, Newt probably didn't even realize just how much it affected him. To be so resigned to people not having a particularly good impression of him.]

She...I enjoyed her company. [He wasn't sure what to say. How much to say at this point, but he also thinks that if he doesn't speak about it now, he'll never bring it up.] She broke my heart though and...well, I don't think I ever really processed it proper. [His voice was softer than usual and he won't look at the other. Not even Theseus' face. He keeps his gaze down. He isn't sure how Theseus will react.]

[Newt definitely has his oddities, along with his sometimes awkward manner in dealing with people. He can't entirely blame other students for thinking him strange at times, but also, they're certainly wrong for bullying him and teasing him. That sort of behavior should never be allowed or tolerated and it frustrates him that no one really stood up against that.]

The people at Hogwarts expected you to be like me? [Theseus is somehow, surprised by this. It never quite occurred to him that sort of thing started way back in Hogwarts. The Ministry, he could see it, but even at school?]

But you shouldn't be resigned to people treating you poorly, Newt.

[Perhaps empty words, since Newt's dealt with this for so long. Theseus can't just say nothing, however. That also feels wrong. Perhaps there's just no good way to really fix this.

But before Theseus can go further south with his thoughts, Newt's final comment catches his attention. Does... does he mean? Perhaps he's looking far too much into his words, but. But he has to be sure.]

...Did you love her?

You're... [A helpless shrug.] You're a lot of things I'll never be. [And it's not like he necessarily cares or wants to be like Theseus because he was himself and not Theseus, but-] I think people had expectations of me that I couldn't make. I suppose if you had expectations, it would be disappointing to end up with someone like me. [Which is a little self deprecating.]

I'm not sure what you want me to do. To expend energy being upset or frustrated over something that I can't change? [There's no bite in his tone, but Newt doesn't know what Theseus expects. He can't change how people treat or feel about him.

He looks at his hands as he wrings them.] I was- I had been so bitter. So upset. I should have spent more time together when I had the chance. [His voice cracks a little. He had held it together for Theseus back in Paris, but Newt wasn't some indestructible pillar.] There was no reason for me to be as distant as I had been to either of you. I knew better, logically.

[...Disappointing? They're just vastly different. It's pointless to compare them. Theseus doesn't quite fully grasp it, other than thinking the futility of expecting Newt to be like him. Just like how it would be futile thinking that he would be like Newt at all.

That makes sense, right?

Well, at least Theseus can be easily be outraged by the next bit.]

Yes, be upset! [Well, not exactly like that.] Ngh, I mean... they need to realize that you are deserving of respect.

[But that conversation is perhaps saved for a different time, not with Leta still between them. With this new information revealed to him. While Newt didn't directly answer his question, his avoidance of a clear answer speaks volumes anyway. He... doesn't really know how to react, to know that his brother loved her since high school.

Did she return his affections? Did she still love him?

But whatever bitterness Theseus may feel is tempered down when Newt admits his own feelings, how he was upset and regretful for not spending time with them.]

I know.

[His own voice shutters, still not regained its composure since Paris.] ...I know.

Theseus, if I got upset everytime it happened, I'd be bloody miserable all the time. [He feels like he needs to emphasize that this wasn't a rare occurrence, but something that he had experienced much of his life.] It didn't stop after Hogwarts. [He heard what his coworkers had said about him back when he worked in the Ministry. Eccentric was just a word people used when they didn't want to be outright rude. There were less savory things said about him of course.

Newt rubs at his eyes. He won't cry. He refuses to.

He had always been awful about his own feelings. It was why it had taken him so long to get over his feelings for Leta. It was why that even after he stopped being in love with her, he was still so bitter about what she had done.

Even now, he thinks about how much Leta's death affected Theseus and didn't think about just how much it weighed on himself.] I'm sorry. [It comes out so quietly.]

[So, Newt's been looked down upon for most of his life. That's the gist of it. Why is it surprising? It should've been obvious. Maybe it just hurts more hearing all this from Newt himself, rather than just assuming anything. Nonetheless, Theseus looks less than pleased by this, and this issue isn't over, but he decides to let it go for the time being.

...

With Newt's quiet apology, the pain clear in his voice, Theseus takes a step closer to him before pulling him into a hug. He manages to hold back any loud sobs, but his voice is quiet as well, the strength gone from his voice.]

...I'm sorry too.

Then we are dead.

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